As we keep saying on this blog, our general approach in life is to CHALLENGE EVERYTHING! 

Because of this, the topic of engagements (and more widely, marriage) is one that immediately makes me feel unwell. The whole process is drowning in so many ‘customs’ and expected behaviours . Many of these come with a large financial impact which really challenge my frugal tendencies!  

Something that should be a celebration of your love for each other can easily become an incredibly stressful time. You can find yourself constantly trying to please anyone who might be offended! 

That is why I wanted to write about my experience proposing to Miss Way. Hopefully this helps others in a similar situation. 

I was determined to make our engagement a special occasion, while still meeting our frugal habits. By following a few simple steps, I think I managed that!

Know Your Other Half 

Clearly, before you consider proposing, you should know your other half pretty damn well. If you’re anything like us, you will have had numerous conversations about weddings, engagement rings etc and know each other’s expectations.

This makes the whole process much easier! If you find yourself in the position where you don’t know these answers yet, maybe you need to bring it up and get to know each other better before making such a commitment!! 

Being armed with this information allows you to approach the engagement in a much calmer manner. I’ve heard of some people proposals ending in tears because they didn’t meet their other half’s expectations. Nobody wants that awkward situation! The ‘yes’ or ‘no’ should be whether they want to spend the rest of their life with you, rather than how big the diamond in the ring is! 

This might seem like an obvious point but so many people seem to commit far too early. This seems particularly common when religion is involved. Take the time to get to know each other first and make sure you’re compatible long term.

Marriage should be a life-long commitment and you can’t make that decision while still in the early stages of a relationship. In the early stages you’re still constantly trying to impress each other!! 

The Ring 

Long before I was ready to propose to Miss Way, we had discussed rings. We both agreed that diamonds didn’t mean much to either of us. This is another one of those silly societal ‘norms’ that the vast majority of people expect you to follow. Why do you need a big diamond to show your love?! Both Miss Way and I know how much we mean to each other without spending a small fortune on a stone to sit on her finger! 

This article by Millenial Boss details why you should consider diamond alternatives. We had discussed diamond alternatives as an option. We were also both open to different types of stone entirely.

For us, the engagement ring is simply a token of the intention to spend the rest of our lives together. It doesn’t have to be a statement about our wealth, as it seems to be for many! 

My initial intention was to find a nice second hand ring with an alternative stone, which met the criteria Miss Way had said were important to her. This way, I would be able to afford a nice ring but without the huge mark-up of a ‘new’ item.  I had started to browse and found plenty of suitable options under £500.  

Forget the silly suggestions that you should be spending an amount proportional to a month’s wages. This makes no sense whatsoever and was another invention of the jewellery industry, as detailed in this BBC article! 

In addition to this, Miss Way is somewhat…… clumsy. Putting an item on her finger worth thousands would absolutely NOT be a good idea, and would actually cause her a huge amount of stress. She would worry about it too much! 

So on to the Actual Ring 

I had always had the idea of a family heirloom ring in the back of my mind. This was partly down to Miss Way’s love of antique jewellery and the sentiment involved. To be honest, the cost is another large factor!! 

Unfortunately, a few years ago my Gran passed away. She was genuinely the most amazing person I’ve ever met and thankfully Miss Way met her several times too. She shared my love for this amazing woman and so it was a no brainer to enquire about the status of her rings.  

To be honest I didn’t expect to get anywhere with this, but my Mum was absolutely delighted to offer my Gran’s engagement ring. 

The ring itself is an 18 carat gold band with 3 small diamonds in the front. It is a gorgeous ring and I probably couldn’t have picked anything better myself!! 

Despite my initial wish to avoid diamonds, the sentimental value in this ring meant I was willing to overlook that particular preference! 

Rather incredibly for such a tiny lady, my Gran’s ring size was identical to Miss Way’s! Unfortunately, due to the fact she had worn the ring for 70 years, the band had worn very thin.  

With my Mum’s help, we got the local jeweller to re-make the band. They also presented the ring in a beautiful display box, all for the grand total of £255. The jeweller confirmed my opinion of the ring, stating how nice it was and pointing out that it must have been very expensive considering it was bought during World War 2!! That really brought home the history behind the ring for me. I genuinely hope Miss Way can wear it for as long as my Gran did! 

Does that make me cheap? I would absolutely refute that! This ring means much more to either of us than a very expensive ‘new’ version.  

Alternatively, I had also intended to ask Miss Way’s Father whether there were any family heirloom rings in their family which they would be happy for me to use. In the circumstances this wasn’t necessary, but I definitely think it’s worth asking!! 

Asking Her Father’s Permission 

This brings me on to, for me, the worst part of the engagement! 

Asking the Father’s permission is actually a tradition I personally disagree with. It implies their ownership of their daughter and that she can’t make her own decisions. 

Some people with similar views would refuse to go ahead with it. For me it’s much better to do the ‘right’ thing in this situation.  

I knew that Miss Way’s Father would very much appreciate being asked. He is from a generation in which this was an expected tradition. I had also seen how much it hurt my own Father not to be asked by my sister’s now-husband! 

I would have been very surprised if he had had any complaints about my planned proposal. We’ve been together for over 6 years now! It’s still much better to go through the formalities when you know it is expected of you!  

If you know your girlfriend’s father genuinely isn’t bothered by this tradition then lucky you. Otherwise, I really don’t think it’s worth upsetting people if you’re not certain. 

Because of Miss Way’s Father’s character, he actually made this process more difficult than I expected!! I thought the response would be along the lines of “about time”. Instead got a bit of a grilling about my intentions, and why now was a good time! 

Regardless, I’m glad I went ahead with it and hopefully he respects the fact I asked! 

The Proposal 

So the ring is sorted and I’ve got permission to do the deed!! But how am I supposed to do it?! 

This was the only part we had never really discussed. I was on my own!! 

It had to be something that had meaning to us as a couple. Lots of people seem to suggest you should do something elaborate and in front of lots of people. That wouldn’t be very ‘us’. For us, our engagement is about the 2 of us. It isn’t something we want to broadcast to lots of strangers!

On a personal level, I even found it strange telling our families and friends about our engagement afterwards. It felt like something that should just be for us! 

I decided we should go for a walk to the location of one of our first dates. This was a place that meant something to both of us and we had often reminisced on since. I intended to propose at a particular point on the walk. I had also booked afternoon tea for afterwards, assuming she said yes!! 

Going Down on One Knee 

This is another of the many traditions surrounding engagements. Again, I had worried about whether this was something I should do. I just decided to see what happened and what felt natural!

As it turns out, I didn’t go down on one knee. We were both sat down when I proposed so it just didn’t seem appropriate! I don’t think that took anything away from the moment. As usual, I don’t really see the point of this tradition!! So many people have asked about this aspect since but I’m still not sure why they think it’s important! 

Total Cost

As this blog is mainly about our finances, it makes sense to add up how much our engagement cost in total!

Ring	£255
Diesel to Countryside Walk	£3?
Afternoon Tea	£28
Total	£286

Summary 

• Know your other half and do what suits you both 
• Don’t make it about the money – heirloom rings mean much more and second hand is a good alternative 
• Don’t worry about traditions or what other people might expect – a proposal should be something for the two of you. You know each other so don’t feel pressure from others 

We’re hoping to also apply these principals to our wedding. We don’t know when we want to get married yet. But we are in agreement that we want it to be a frugal but fantastic event!

According to this article by The Independent the average UK wedding costs over £30k which is just ridiculous! 

The wedding industry is a pretty extreme example of gross consumerism and we’re looking forward to (hopefully) showing that you can have a great wedding at a fraction of the average cost.